[Slurping]
Nice! Nice! Nice!
I'm not going to lie to you fellas.
Don likes the ladies.
In addition to liking 'em,
do you ever get the courage to talk to one?
Not really.
Fortunately, the good lord created
a nice little icebreaker called jaywalking tickets.
You know, I just realized
something about these ladies.
Not one of them is Mary Albright,
and yet I'm incredibly turned on by them.
Oh. Well, good for you, Dick.
I don't know whether to kiss them
or get on my knees and bark like a dog.
Well, as a police officer,
I must tell you that each approach has its strengths.
[All slurping]
Nice! Nice! Nice!
Hey.
Look.
I dropped my wallet.
You don't have a wallet.
Hey! I found a wallet.
Ooh! And it's got 200 bucks in it.
Ooh, it's your lucky day.
Well, shouldn't we return it? Yeah.
Sure. That's... kind of what I was...saying.
[All slurping]
Nice! Nice!
Woof woof woof!
Woof woof woof woof woof!
Mary! Nina! Hey, Mary!
Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
Oh! The most amazing thing happened to me.
I told you, the supermarket door opens for everybody.
No!
No! No!
No. I was out with the boys,
and I actually noticed other women!
The skinny ones had beautiful cheekbones,
and the more ample ones--
well, let's just say,
baby got back!
That's fascinating.
Oh, did you see any with big gazongas?
Some.
The point is,
up until now, the sight of a woman other than you
held the same appeal to me as, say, a plate of eggs.
Nutritious, yes, but ultimately way too gassy.
Now all that's changed.
It has? Mm-Hmm.
I finally feel ready
to go on my first new date.
Women of Rutherford,
look out!
Exactly what I was thinking.
Sally, you should have seen the look on this guy's face
when we returned his wallet.
It was the most satisfying experience of my life.
What kind of reward did you get?
Reward?
Yeah. You know, a little something to show his appreciation.
We got nothing.
He unappreciated us.
That tool!
Gyarrhh!
Ok, Dick, I recommend you start with the self-help section.
Now, the women there are nutty, but vulnerable.
Enough said.
Sally...
let's savor these last moments
before I meet my new girlfriend,
because when I do,
I'm not going to show any interest in you
or the rest of the family ever again.
That saddens me.
Hello, I've...
had sex before. I know how to do it.
She obviously doesn't speak a word of English.
Hi. I'm Dick Solomon.
I'm tight with the money,
but never with the lovin'.
It's cold outside.
Dick, I think you need to be a little more casual, Ok? Um...
watch.
Hi.
Want to get some coffee?
No.
See? It's easy.
You got to be doing something wrong,
'cause I can practically grunt and they're interested.
Grunt?
Yeah. Here, watch.
Huhh!
Want to get a cup of coffee?
No.
Huhh!
Can someone please explain why I struck out last night
when all Sally had to do was grunt?
I don't know, Dick.
Could be the boobs.
They are terrific.
You're so lucky to be the woman.
Oh, hey, men are weird, you know.
You don't have to be nice to them at all,
and they're practically groveling at your feet.
Hello, Sally.
Watch this.
Hey, Don, that's a terrible haircut.
Uh-huh. You want to go with me to the policemen's ball?
See? I'm just kidding.
I see. You want to go with me to the policemen's ball?
No.
Look, if you'll just walk in with me,
I'll buy your ticket,
and I'll give you 25 bucks in cash.
Ok.
Hee hee.
I'd buy a ticket,
but "Mr. Genuine cowhide" didn't give me no reward.
We got stiffed.
How about you, Dick?
Will there be ladies?
How does a roomful of drunken meter maids sound?
Very promising.
Hee hee. Yeah.
[Music playing]
I've been watching you.
For a larger woman, you hardly sweat at all.
Hey, jackass, want to dance?
Sure.
She looks nice.
Hello. Would you like to--
no.
Bandleader: Ok, men, this is what you've been waiting for.
It's a lineup.
This next one is ladies' choice.
Come on, ladies,
choose your partners.
[Music begins]
Dick, have I told you that I've been in therapy for the past 5 years?
No. Is it helping?
Not right now it isn't.
Well, Don, at least we have each other.
Yeah.
Dance?
Oh, yes!
Not you.
Later, Dick!
Hi.
You're on my coat.
Oh.
Well, uh, you could put an ad in the personals.
You just describe yourself and the kind of woman you want to meet.
Ok. Here, uh,
take this down.
Uh, desperate, lonely white guy...
seeks acclaimed beauty queen.
Runners-up need not apply.
You take the runners-up...
just no "miss congeniality."
Here.
How about this?
"If you believe in miracles,
"love at first sight, and breakfast in bed,
contact me for adventures in truth."
[Gasps]
What a wonderful line! That's brilliant!
Yeah? What's up?
It's us.
The guys who returned your wallet.
Right. What can I do for you?
Well, uh, we were just wondering
how you and your wallet were doing.
Great.
So then it's, uh, working out?
Having your wallet back and all?
Yeah.
And, uh, tell me,
when you did get your wallet back,
did you feel a huge sense of...
relief?
Maybe even, oh, I don't know,
say, gratitude?
I sure did. Thanks, guys.
Oh, there goes my phone. I gotta go. Bye.
I didn't hear his phone ringing.
That guy is good.
Oh, good news, Dick.
Your ad is getting responses.
Ooh. How--How many?
5, but 3 of them were hangups.
Ok. Um, "successful, self-Made businesswoman.
Enjoys classical music, long walks, and the arts."
Oh, I love the arts!
"Passions include karate and revenge."
Yes!
No. That's a red flag.
Ok, the second one is, " your words opened my heart.
"If you want to hear more,
"meet me at johnny foam's tonight at 8:00.
"I'll be wearing a white carnation. You wear one, too.
Must have job."
I have a job! Oh!
This is incredible!
What a spectacular story this will make for our grandchildren!
Would you like some coffee?
That's sweet of you to offer , but I already have a date.
Hello, Mary.
Oh, hello, Dick.
I'd ask you to sit down...
but I'm meeting someone.
[Whispering] So am I.
Oh, no!
Ughhh!
Mary, what are you doing answering a personal ad?
Don't you know that only twisted weirdoes place those things?
Well, I do now!
Ok.
Here's the deal:
we speak of this...
to no one!
I don't even want to speak of this to you!
Ohhh! Ughhh!
Uh, miss,
do you still want to have that cup of coffee with me?
I'm the waitress.
I know.
[Sobs]
Hey.
What's with the nerd kit?
Well, since I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life,
I--I thought I needed something to keep me busy,
so I stopped by the hobby shop.
Ohh! Choo-choos!
Hands off!
You can only play with them
when you've completely lost the ability
to attract the opposite sex.
I'm going to go see a movie.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Who?
Paul?
Oh. Yeah, you can come over.
I don't know if I'll be here. Whatever.
That should be interesting.
Who's Paul?
Some bozo I met at the policemen's ball.
He's coming over tomorrow.
Well, if you don't like him,
why are you letting him come over?
Research.
I want to see if there's any limit
to the abuse a man will take on this planet
before he finally tells me to go to hell.
Ah, that's different. I thought you were just being mean.
Not this time.
Hey, rick, um...
did you by any chance see a wallet anywhere around here?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, god, thank you!
And now what better way to express my thanks than, uh,
with an always-welcome cash reward.
Thanks.
Once again, I'm a little disappointed.
Hello, Sally.
I thought you were supposed to be on duty.
I am, but Dick asked me to pick up
some little plastic men at the hobby shop.
He said it was urgent.
Oh, Don, I'm so worried about him.
No two ways about it.
He needs a chick, Sally,
and fast.
Could you fix him up, Don?
Well, I don't know anyone, but...
maybe Bibi does.
Bibi, Don?
Bibi, baby.
I...met her at the policemen's ball.
[Train whistle blows]
[Toot toot]
I got the stuff, Dick. What's the emergency?
What's the emergency?!
I've got a commuter line due at 6:13
and no one's there to board the train! [Blows train whistle]
Oh, no! The Erie-Lackawanna's right on time!
Here, Don, hand me those commuters!
Ok.
Ok, junior, you hold the vicar's hand now.
Porter! Porter!
Oh, good. We made it.
Uh...Dick,
why don't we take a little breather
and get a couple of drinks?
Oh. When?
I got to glue the orange roof on my Howard Johnson's.
Yeah, I understand, but, you know,
maybe things will slow down a bit.
Oh. Not likely.
[Blows whistle] All aboard!
Next stop, white plains!
Choo choo choo choo.
[Blows train whistle]
Dr. Solomon, this arrived in the mail.
Oh, good.
My hospital's here.
Your tiny little doctors will be so relieved.
Hmm. I guess.
Dick, what's bothering you?
Well, nobody likes me.
Oh, I find that hard to believe.
You do?
Well, sure.
Oh, Ok, so we broke up,
but--but I saw something in you once.
Surely someone else will see that, too.
Really?
That means a lot,
coming from someone who's pretty great herself.
Well, I meant it.
I meant it, too.
Thank you.
You want to do it?
No!
I understand completely.
Have a good time, Sally.
I hope she likes you.
Thanks. I hope he tells you to piss off.
I've got my fingers crossed.
Sally?
Yeah, I'm up here, genius.
Throw those over there, would you?
Ok.
I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made dinner.
Oh, you didn't have to.
Well, actually,
you should taste it first before you say anything.
Bring it out. I'm starving.
Ok. Actually, I was hoping you'd scrub the stains out of my carpet first.
Ok, and then dinner?
And then laundry.
Oh. Sounds like a plan.
Don: so--so--so...
I'm reading the Miranda rights to this girl
whose name actually turns out to be... Miranda!
Ha ha ha ha!
Anything--
anything funny like that
ever happen to you, Dick?
No.
Wouldn't you know it? We're out of Jicama.
We need to get some Jicama.
Come on, Dick, let's get some Jicama.
Jicama. Let's get some Jicama.
Which one is Jicama?
I don't know!
What are you doing?
I'm throwing you slow balls,
and you're--you're doing your rain man impression.
I just don't know what to say to women.
All right.
Um, if you get in trouble,
you just take a sip of your drink. A sip of your drink.
I'll notice, and old Donnie will come to the rescue.
Ok.
Don: ah.
So, uh, Dick,
Celia tells me that she finds physics
to be a fascinating subject.
Oh, yes!
Feta! Oh, we're out of feta!
We need to get some feta.
Let's get some feta.
Which one is feta?
I don't know!
What are you doing?
Look, you hung me out to dry there.
Hung you out to dry? You're a physics professor.
I just get so nervous!
You're nervous?
I got pit stains the size of dinner plates!
Look, I'm just starting out here with Bibi, you know?
You got to help me out, Ok?
All right, I'll try. All right.
So, Dick, um...
do you have any...
hobbies?
Hobbies?
No, no--
as a matter of fact, I do!
Croutons!
Come on!
There he is.
Here's the plan.
You take a bite of biscotti and act like you're choking,
and when he comes over to give you the Heimlich maneuver,
I'll pick his pocket.
And this time, we don't give it back till we get a reward.
Just, uh, wait for me to get over to the counter.
[Gasping]
[Gasps]
[Spluttering]
[Choking]
[Shouting]
Miss, you don't--
no, you don't--
you should be ashamed of yourself!
Just sitting here while this man was choking!
I was choking!
What have I got to do to get you two guys off my back?
Well, how about coughing up a reward, tightwad?
All right, fine.
Here. Thank you so much for your thoughtful deed.
Please. Please have $20.
Actually...
thank you, but we can't accept this.
Yeah. Goodness is its own reward.
Whatever.
That was a classy move there, not taking the money.
Yeah. Most guys would have taken the money.
Well, most guys don't have class.
I feel warm inside.
Nice! Nice!
Sally, you put the chicken in the oven, like, a minute ago.
I don't think it's done.
You mean you're not going to eat it?
Yes, of course.
Mmm-mmm!
Ok, well, good, 'cause I have a surprise for you.
Yeah. You remember when I said
that I have a chest of drawers filled with lingerie?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I was wondering
if you would mind lifting it up
and hauling it to the other side of the house...
and back.
Right now.
Uh...
no problem.
Ha ha ha-- oh, gosh.
My god, I'm so hot, I killed him.
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time
fooling around with models--
[Tapping cup] Dick.
Don thinks I shouldn't talk about it.
He thinks models are dumb.
But, actually, most of them are very exciting and fun.
Why is it the fantasy of every loser to date models?
Date? What are you talking about?
Well, what are you talking about?
Model trains.
Oh, my go-- I'm so--
I--I--I--I thought you meant models.
You know. Women.
Oh, models!
Tall, leggy models!
No! No! Ha ha ha ha!
No, I was talking about--Ha ha ha ha!
Dick with beautiful models. That's a funny one.
Yeah. If I was hanging around with models,
why would I be here tonight?
Oh, I--I am so sorry.
That came out all wrong.
You see, that's exactly why I'm such a loser!
I'm not suave
with all the slick lines and the right things to say.
I'm lucky to be here with anybody,
especially with women as nice as the two of you.
Oh, you're not that bad.
No, really, I--I'm sorry.
I have ruined your whole evening.
I've just come out of a relationship with a woman
that I gave my heart and soul to,
and I-I-I-I'm just not very good at this.
I'm sorry.
Ohhh! Ohhh!
Oh, no, you're doing just fine.
I am?
He is?
Yes.
You know, I'm not suave.
Oh, Don.
I'm not. I'm kind of a loser.
No, you're not.
I'm...too shy and sensitive and...
I got this terrible rash.
Pickled beets! [Stammering]
Dick.
That Celia woman called for you again.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
I've discovered the most powerful aphrodisiac there is.
What, self-Confidence?
No. Self-loathing.
Well, I thought it was 2 tickets to an Eddie money concert
and a bottle of jagermeister.
No. No. As I see it,
women don't want a finished product.
They crave a fixer-upper.
That is so weird. You know,
women don't want men who are perfect,
but all men want a woman who is.
Well, Paul found a perfect woman and it almost killed him.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
You know, he called from the hospital.
Hmm.
What a nice guy.
As far as I'm concerned,
my perfect woman isn't perfect at all.
She could be shortish,
slightly neurotic,
perhaps a bit bitter,
someone like--
oh, I don't know--
Mary Albright.
Oh, god!
It's just an example.
Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--
urggh!
[Train whistle blows]
It was broken when I got here.